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Blunt vs. Offensive

Are Christians supposed to be "soft" in all conversations? What if that's not our personality?

September, 2023


I was approached by a younger believer struggling to harmonize his naturally aggressive personality, his passion for truth, and a sincere desire not to offend. It's an understatement to say that modern culture is turning the phrase "polite disagreement" into a contradiction in terms. To vary on any important subject is, it seems, taken as a sign of hatred or personal attack. The young man wanted to be truthfully brave, but found it hard not to become insensitive, insulting, or overly aggressive. A naturally "gentle" person might not find this to be a problem. So, what about those who feel they're struggling to hold back: to restrain a more belligerent attitude?

Consider which person is more likely to intervene in a fight without severely hurting anyone: the inexperienced pacifist, or the trained killer? Though counterintuitive to many, the battle veteran is less likely to do unintentional harm than the well-meaning novice. Knowing what kills, what maims, and what hurts means knowing how not to do those things, even by accident. In a similar way, those inclined to disagreeable, belligerent attitudes may be better equipped to know how to argue effectively without being indecent.

Some of us—yours truly included—have a natural tendency to be harsh in response to attacks. Like any part of our personality, there's a way for God to use that for good (1 Timothy 4:4; Romans 12:4–5). Those who have that tendency, but learn to control it, are like a person trained in lethal force. That ability and restraint means knowing how not to kill. A person with more experience can deal damage, if need be, but is less likely to do so by accident. In a similar way, those who prayerfully learn to control an aggressive personality (Romans 12:1–2; 2 Peter 1:5–7) can be more effective at speaking hard truths without offending as compared to than other, less-naturally-abrasive people would.

Offense can be a side effect of telling the truth. That's not the same as speaking with the express intent of insulting someone. The distinction only matters when we're actively trying to avoid offense. If we gauge our words with sincerity, then even if they're blunt or difficult, the other person's reaction is a response to truth, not to us. When someone is angered by truth, itself, that's not our problem. To emphasize, however, that means we need to try not to offend (1 Corinthians 10:32; 2 Corinthians 6:3). Overcoming the urge to "scorn" others starts with recognizing our own condition. That's the point of the parable of the unforgiving servant (Matthew 18:23–35).

Consider a doctor speaking to a patient. They might say, "I know it's hard to make changes, but you're carrying an unhealthy amount of weight, and you would feel better if you lost 30 pounds." If that makes the patient angry, is it the doctor's fault? Or is the patient simply angry that truth is not what they prefer? In contrast, imagine the doctor saying, "of course you don't feel good; look at you! Stop being fat and lazy and lose weight, or quit complaining." Even if the core point is true, the doctor is deliberately being rude—or at least being extremely careless. If the patient is offended, in that case, the doctor bears blame.

Jesus frequently told people "offensive" things, of course. It's important to emulate Jesus, but not to impersonate Jesus. He was operating from perfect morality and perfect knowledge. As a parallel, it's great to emulate a sports hero, and to try to be like them. But we need to be aware of our limitations. Just because that athlete can safely perform some stunt doesn't mean we should carelessly attempt it. "Jesus did it" is not a universal excuse to take His words or actions out of context.

Harsh words can still be loving, but only if their harshness cannot be avoided. That's part of the message in this month's spotlight verse (2 Corinthians 2:1–4). Even when Jesus was speaking "harshly," His words were intended to enlighten or to speak truth. He didn't insult just for the sake of cutting people down. Nor did He criticize simply to make other people feel bad. He saw tough talk as a regrettable last resort, not an enjoyable first option.

An English proverb suggests, "when you can't say something nice, say nothing at all." With respect to whomever coined that phrase, "nice" is an awfully vague word. Love might be tough, and some truth is ugly. But there's wisdom in knowing our own limits. There's nothing especially complex or deep about that guideline: when we know we're not motivated by love, or incapable of speaking lovingly, we should probably choose silence (Proverbs 10:19; 15:1).

-- Editor
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